Disingenuous. Outrageous. Gigolo.

These were the headlines splashed on every newspaper, and they barked across the talk radio airwaves. The whiff of scandal was in the air, and every journalist had picked up on the scent. The pup-a-razzi was snapping my picture everywhere I went. I never dreamed that running for dog catcher would cause such a frenzy of activity. It was time to address the issues in a press conference to clear the air. It was time to do damage control, and with the election just days away, there was no time to waste.

“I would like to start by saying that the allegations against me are unfounded and false,” I told an assembled press conference. A hacker had gained access to my Blackberry and had leaked all of the contents to the Internet: phone numbers, emails, pictures, and messages. “The voters will judge this as best they can with an invasion of privacy and at worst, an attempt to score political points.”

“If this is what anyone can expect to have happen if they run for political office,” my address continued. “Is it any wonder why good dogs won’t run?”

“Hi Louie,” interrupted Mia with the Canine Tribune, the Yorkshire Terrier gossip columnist. “Is it really true that you have 62 girlfriends?”

“Mama mia,” I laughed. “If I had that many girlfriends, I wouldn’t have time to run for office. I want to reassure the voters that while I am single, I am still a one dog, dog.” With that, I winked at Abby who began to blush.

“In fact, I would like to call on the current dog catcher and my opponent, Bill Gruber, to denounce these tactics.” I sidestepped the question. “It would be a way of showing the voters that we reject this conduct and support a clean political environment and election process. Next question!”

Some members of the assembled conference began to bark their approval. Of course, my campaign had suspicions that the hack had been coordinated by the Gruber camp, but we didn’t have any proof. Instead of automatically accusing him of the attack, I chose to appeal to the voters’ sentiments.

“Louie, what would you say to the dog who managed to gain access to your phone?” Benny, the black Labrador reporter from D.O.G.G. radio, asked. “Aren’t you the least bit angry that everything has been made public?”

“I want to appeal to a dog’s better angels rather than comment,” I replied. “If I am elected dog catcher, the voters will know that we are turning a page in history and that these types of activities will be a thing of the past and not the future.”
—–
“I can’t believe this is happening,” Gruber screamed at Genghis, his Bulldog henchman. “The voters are actually siding with Louie. This can’t be happening!”

“Boss, we never saw this coming,” the Bulldog replied. “We thought we had ironclad proof that the information inside his phone would destroy his campaign. My contact, which is very close to him, ensured that all we had to do was get access and then….”

“I don’t care about that,” Gruber ranted. “I’m going to lose this election and it will be the end of me. The end of all of us. Can you imagine what the world would look like if all dogs, everywhere, were happy and free? It just doesn’t happen!

No, no, no! Dogs need to be rounded up and caroled. They have to be controlled!” Genghis didn’t answer and remained silent.
—–
Like a good toy, the election was a squeaker. Gruber was an entrenched incumbent, but had never run against an actual dog before. The press conference had the desired effect on the voters, and the polls tended in our favor, peaking on Election Day. It came down to a last few precincts before the race was called. After a review of the results, I was named the new dog catcher. Unbelievable! History was made! Italian Greyhounds beamed with breed pride that one of their own was elected, and dogs everywhere, big and small, were overjoyed.

After all the excitement of election night, the acceptance speech and backslapping, I was exhausted and returned home. I still had confetti in my fur.

“So why didn’t you go after Gruber?” Abby asked. She was snuggled up on the couch and watching the election commentary on the nightly TV news.

“I dunno, I guess there’s just a time….,” I trailed off, thinking of the appropriate answer. “There’s just times that we have to listen to the little dog that’s inside us all.”

To read and see more, visit Louie’s Dog Blog

Tags: Blackberry, Bulldog, Dog Catcher, elections, Italian Greyhound, Labrador Retriever, newspaper, Politics, talk radio, Yorkshire Terrier