Jokes
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Doing the dishes
A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean”?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them,
now don’t ask me about it anymore.”
Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather’s dog, who was lying on
the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass.
“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.”
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!”
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The Smartest Hunting Dog
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they
spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest.
Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, “I’m going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!” He then calls his dog over and says, “Bones! See the bones? Go get ‘em!”
The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. “That’s nothing,” he says. “Watch this.” He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. “Bones! Get the bones!” The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer’s dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. “My dog is smarter,” he says. “Watch.” He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, “Bones.” The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
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No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street,
the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.”
The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.” They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar.
The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”
The man with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman pinscher?”
The man said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “OK then, come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The man with the Chihuahua said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??
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Who would you let in first?
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife was barking at the front door who would you let in first and why?
A. The dog. Why? Well because he will quit barking when you let it in!!!
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Man’s Best Friend
A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
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The Dog’s Diary
8:00 AM – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed
! My favorite thing!
